I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
