Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
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