hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
