bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i dont even know how to be here
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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