i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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