You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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