totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
