I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
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Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
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we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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