Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
