I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
