seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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