I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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