i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
