Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
