i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
