I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
