haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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