i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
