I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
