OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
