Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
