who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
