is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
