i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
