i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
