We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
