I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
