I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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