My nipple is on Facebook.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
