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Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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