the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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