I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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