The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
