rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
