last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
