All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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