She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
My bed smells like the plague
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
