i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
