He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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