I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
