I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
