Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
