I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
