he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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