Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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