If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
