I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
