I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
So here I am, sexting at work.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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