yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
