How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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