I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
