I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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