Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
