Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
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I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
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I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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