I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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