Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
