At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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