it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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