have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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